The Swing Shift: Erotica E-Novels I Might Write To Pay the Rent


I stumbled upon this local publisher of erotica e-books—did you know these people are making 50% on the download fee of their stuff? I mean, there’s total market saturation here—the list of ridiculous made-up names is quite long (how long was it?)—but I mean, crack the formula, use your imagination, write halfway decent characters, and you could rise to the top of their bestseller list in no time! There’s gold in these horny hills!

The best reading of all might be the summaries of these books, though. The names alone are genius. I mean it, their roster reads like a memorial at a mass funeral of strippers. Here are some of my pitches. Vote on your fave!

Pork Factory

by Lark Labiano

Ginny Aspen is new to Brooklyn and needs a job. She starts waitressing at a tiny Williamsburg supper club with a dark secret…by night it becomes a free-for-all sex orgy between the neighborhood’s hot young chefs. Ginny unwittingly stumbles in on one late-night man feast, which really gives new meaning to the word “butchery.” After she is discovered peeping by Athens Ramsteed, the hot hairy-chested charcuterier, the guys give her a sexy lesson in nose-to-tail eating.


Friends With Unemployment Benefits

by Brynna Saint James

When Cajun stud Remy LaChance turns up at the Texas Unemployment Office just before closing, his file is handed over to sexy Skye Chesterfield, a temp with a thing for bad boys. But Remy has a dark secret—he’s a vampire. When their interview runs late into the night, Remy finds he can’t restrain his bloodlust…nor can he prove he’s made at least five job searches since filing for benefits. Will the office temp-tress help him find an everlasting love, or at least 80% of his previous quarter’s wages?


UF Oh!

by J.G. Papagayo

Nymphomaniac Samantha Knox is pleasuring herself on a long, boring drive through the New Mexico desert late at night, when she comes upon a spaceship crashed in an arroyo. She soon discovers its crew is a slew of sexy aliens. The extra-hot-terrestrials tell Sam they power their ship’s engines on lady orgasms—will she be able to help them on their scintillating star trek? And will she find that green is the new black?


The T&A Party

by Sandee Dunes

A Democratic campaign adviser enlists DC private dick Jericho Johnson to dig up dirt on the opposition. Slinking around Capitol Hill’s underground sex club scene, the detective gets more than he bargained for when he stumbles upon an “Eyes Wide Shut”-type masked orgy of congresspeople. The cocky caucus captures Jericho and must convince him that raising taxes and allowing Mexicans access to healthcare would lead to total economic collapse. Their secret weapon? The infamous oral abilities of the Speaker of the House. Will Jericho help take back the country…on his back?




TrueStory Cards: A New Line of Greeting Cards I Spent Today Inventing Instead of Finding a Job

Today is my 35th birthday and I’m unemployed, but I have eleventy thousand ideas that no one is paying me to have. What a fucking waste. Somebody out there is really screwing the pooch. I mean it, I’m a goldmine, dummies.

So I’m obsessed with the life-sized dioramas at the Natural History Museum in NYC. When I move there, I will spend every weekend taking photos and making honest cards out of them. Last time I was there, I got the moose and the wild pig, because they’re my favorites. Also, this thing:

Does anybody know what I am?

So here are a few examples — whaddaya think, should I run with it? Or am I just deluded from a long morning of crying and Vietnamese iced coffee?